Hello, is this thing on?!

How the fuck are you supposed to write your first post? I'm trying to pen something clever and insightful, but I mean "I don't even know you".

Ok...this one time, when I was like 10, I got into a fight with this kid from down the street. This was a full fledged battle of honor, complete with flying shoes and the stretching of shirts. I threw a right, another right, a left and then...oh shit, I was in a headlock. This wasn't just one of those pansy headlocks to buy some time to catch your breath, it was a full-fledged, "I'm going to choke you until you lose enough brain cells that you'll have difficulty doing long division for the rest of your life". I was in a tough spot, my vision was getting blurry and my nose was snotty....I tapped. I gave the universal sign for defeat, I flailed my armes and yelled, "AHHHHHH Stop! Stop!"

 He let go, and the blood rushed back into my brain, the environment around me came back into focus. We both got up off the ground, and looked at each other. There was a second of mutual respect, then I punched him square in the jaw. Sucker.

I wrote the following on Myspace, but then I quickly realized I hate Myspace, and I would despise myself for binding my soul to such a medium. I don't know Tom, don't care to know Tom, and frankly, I think Tom is a fag.

It usually happens a few weeks after I settle down in Beijing, I begin to lose my focus and creative abilities. And being that I write for a living, this pretty much means I sit at work reading TuckerMax.com and other mindless sites that, although entertaining, perpetuate this cycle of mediocrity. Fuck that.

Instead, I have decided that I will drop some gems from time to time about my love/hate relationship with Beijing. Some things will be mundane, some things out-of-this-world ridiculous, but all will be amusing.

I have a ongoing email list of close friends that recieve periodic updates when crazy shit happens or when I simply get bored, if you want to be added, contact me. My list right now is pretty awsome, and I plan to keep it that way, so if you suck at life (borrowed from TM.com), then I probably wont add you. 

It's been about a full week since I arrived back in Beijing, and this past week has been ridiculously exhausting. Imagine this, Monday night, as I am getting ready to go eat with a buddy, I recieve a phone call from a close friend, who also happens to own one of the largest nightlife websites in China calls me up and coerces me to "get a drink" with him. It's still early, so I go. 

I show up at the club, and wouldn't you fucking know it, there is a new bottle of Chevas, a plate of fruit, and a shitload of chasers. I look around and quickly survey the scene. 3 people, a bottle of Chevas, and Monday night. Welcome back to China. I hate to be anticlimatic, but the rest of the night was rather uneventful, we finished the bottle, danced to some Daddy Yankee or Kevin Lyttle, or whoever the fuck it was, then took the usual drunken stroll back to my apt. The highlight of the night had to be this local Chinese guy on the dancefloor of the club, complete in Mickey Mouse shirt and acid wash counterfit Levis, busting his own variation of the running man/robot/and dead fish on the dancefloor. He looked like a retarded stroke victim who was suffering from a seizure and a really bad rash, simultaneously.

This is taking too long, That was just a quick recap of Monday. The fucked up thing about this week is that everyone just happens to want to "celebrate my re-arrival," which I appreciate and all, but the logistics of this week is all fucked up. Instead of one large dinner and night out, they decided to all hit me from all conceivable angles and here I am, exhausted at 5PM on a Friday, dreading the upcoming weekend and inevitable social awkardness due to sleep deprevation and 4 days of drinking mid-grade whisky and vodka. I mean god-damn, can't we just go bowling or something? FUCK.

 On a more pleasant note, last night a few close friends and I ate at the dopest hole-in-the-wall BBQ place, ever. The "banquet" room was basically in this shack adjacent to the actual restaurant, it was actually in a shack - independent of the restaurant. All that was in there was a table, a large vent and some carelessly placed chairs. We ate about 1/3 of a lamb and the total came out to 160 kuai, split amoungst 8 ppl - 20 each, which equals 2.25 cents USD.

The moral of the story? Cheesecake Factory got guys in the US by the balls. I can take a girl out on a date, eat a five course meal and not break a $5. But then again, any ass you can get with a 5 dollar dinner is probably questionable. 

Here is something that happened a few hours ago. I got a kick out of it, then sent it out as a mass email:

Something to help you ease into the weekend....

An interesting conversation I had on Skype about 10 mins ago with some random guy trying to sell me a black market satellite cable system....enjoy!

[10:41:03 AM] George Chao says: hi, who is this?
[10:41:38 AM] louis16 says: new friend in beijing
[10:41:53 AM] louis16 says: nice to meet you
[10:42:03 AM] George Chao says: how did you get my skype act?
[10:42:27 AM] louis16 says: serch beijing of skype
[10:42:38 AM] George Chao says: interesting
[10:42:46 AM] George Chao says: whats up luis
[10:43:33 AM] louis16 says: i am satellite engineer
[10:43:43 AM] George Chao says: ok
[10:43:50 AM] George Chao says: you fix satellites or something?
[10:44:03 AM] George Chao says: send things to space maybe?
[10:44:20 AM] louis16 says: yeah , offer the satellite english TV for home
[10:44:27 AM] George Chao says: and?
[10:44:36 AM] louis16 says: and service
[10:44:43 AM] George Chao says: good for you
[10:45:07 AM] louis16 says: do you like english TV , like CNN, BBC, HBO...
[10:45:19 AM] louis16 says: thanks
[10:45:35 AM] George Chao says: i get all those channels already
[10:45:55 AM] George Chao says: so the "satellite engineering" is the same thing as a cable man
[10:46:01 AM] George Chao says: you want to sell me cable
[10:46:03 AM] George Chao says: right?
[10:46:10 AM] louis16 says: no
[10:46:16 AM] George Chao says: you want to sell me cable over skype?
[10:46:38 AM] louis16 says: the satellite quipment
[10:46:50 AM] George Chao says: how about porn channels
[10:46:56 AM] George Chao says: like midget porn and stuff
[10:47:03 AM] George Chao says: ?
[10:47:03 AM] George Chao says: is that included in your package
[10:47:08 AM] louis16 says: yeah
[10:47:14 AM] George Chao says: animal porn?
[10:47:22 AM] louis16 says: but that is other satellite
[10:47:23 AM] George Chao says: mermaid porn?
[10:47:32 AM] George Chao says: because thats what im really looking for
[10:47:40 AM] George Chao says: satellite mermaide porn
[10:48:14 AM] louis16 says: but that is 76.5 satellite
[10:48:21 AM] louis16 says: from taiwan
[10:48:29 AM] George Chao says: they have mermaid porn in taiwan?
[10:48:35 AM] George Chao says: i was born in taiwan
[10:48:36 AM] George Chao says: you lie
[10:48:41 AM] George Chao says: ive never seen that shit
[10:48:58 AM] George Chao says: youre playing with me luis
[10:49:26 AM] louis16 says: playboy
[10:50:27 AM] George Chao says: not good enough....i want channels from mars
[10:50:41 AM] George Chao says: intergallactic movie channels
[10:50:51 AM] George Chao says: can you do that luis?
[10:51:17 AM] louis16 says: you means animal porn, i dont know where is it from satellite
[10:51:47 AM] George Chao says: yeah..then you cant help me buddy
[10:52:17 AM] louis16 says: no that one, too speacial
[10:52:35 AM] George Chao says: yeah....unfortunately thats the only channel i want
[10:52:48 AM] George Chao says: so you dont have shit that i want
[10:52:52 AM] George Chao says: thanks for your time luis
[10:52:55 AM] George Chao says: ill talk to you later
[10:53:34 AM] louis16 says: ok, bye

That's gotta be one of the shittier jobs in BJ, hitting up random strangers on Skype to sell pirated cable.